Childless Thoughts

I found this on my notes app this morning. It was written on May 2017, a year and a half before I turned 30. It’s strange reading my own thoughts from the past, but it’s also amusing. Like finding a stash of cash inside a book after forgetting about them.

This is unedited to preserve my thought process during that period in my life. It’s been three years and I’m still undecided about all this. 🤔

May 22, 2017

It’s getting close—like a giant monster that’s coming for me and I can hardly escape. Where did all these thoughts come from? A year ago, I could care less.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t think I ever will.

People keep saying, you don’t need to be ready…once it hits you, you will fall in love with it. But the thing is, I’m not worried about that. I’m worried that I might not be able to do the things that make me happy because I have this new responsibility. I’m worried I won’t have time to read new books, travel places with ease, or be lazy if I want to.

I feel like I’m already happy now and if that big change comes, I might regret it. Because I see no reason in making things unstable when I’ve only just discovered part of myself, and who knows what else I will discover about myself. I see no reason for taking a leap with something that I’m not even sure I’d like when I could do something else that I enjoy.

But the thing is, I’m also curious. I see the benefit of having it—having an influence on another being sounds tempting. Having that capability of shaping someone’s future…being needed. Seeing a part of you evolve into its own identity. The very concept of creation is exciting.

Why can’t we have everything we want at the same time? Why is it necessary to make a decision when you’re not ready to make that decision? When you’re still at your peak and want to maintain that.

I admit I am a little jealous of people who think in 1s and 0s. Those who clearly believe in one specific goal in life and go for it. But that’s not me. I’m wired to want to explore and be curious about everything. I want to become something bigger than myself, but I also want to feel what it feels like to be small.

I’m almost 30, and either society or my own biological wiring is telling me it’s time to have a child but my brain and heart want to go on that big adventure. Discovering new places I’ve never been, and seeing things I’ve never seen. It’s really frustrating especially how the world constantly reminds you of the limitations of the female body. And you wish it was just alternative facts but unfortunately it’s not.

So I guess, to not be too whiny, I’ll just list the choices I have now:

1. Freeze eggs and have a baby when I’m ready in the future. Too expensive. Not 100% certain it will work.
2. Not having a kid. Have a corgi, and be free of guilt when I travel.
3. Not have a kid but adopt once I’m ready. The world is already filled with people. Lots of kids need love.
4. Have a kid, and fall in love with it, but potentially regret not having enough time to do things I love.
5. Hope that technology will eventually allow humans to regenerate young cells so we don’t have to worry about getting old eggs! And women can do both and not have to constantly be tormented with guilt or regret.

I think I like number 5. Now to start hoping this will become a reality in the near future. Hah!